In the Dark
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal knows he needs to tell Ethan what he's discovered about his past - and if he doesn't, Charlie will. But Ethan is already so upset and Cal doesn't even know why. Set after Lie to Me (09.01.16).
1. Chapter 1

_I wanted to write something based on the little scene in Lie to Me where Cal gives his food to Ethan. It ended up being very different from what I expected, but I hope you like it. It's two chapters at the moment. I'm considering a third, but that might completely change the focus of the story._

* * *

Cal lay awake and worried. Mostly about Ethan.

It always was about Ethan now. Usually, he worried about how Ethan would feel when Cal hold him the truth; when he kicked the world from under him and swept away everything Ethan thought he knew.

Tonight, it was more than that. Cal remembered Ethan's strained face again as he'd sat at the table in the staff room. His voice, full of barely-controlled emotion. The way he'd taken off his glasses and wiped at his eye. It could have been an itch, but it could have been a tear.

He'd wanted to take Ethan in his arms and hold him tightly, but he wasn't sure Ethan would wanted to and it might have shattered the last of Ethan's fragile control. Ethan hated to cry at work and Cal didn't want to be the cause of it.

All he could think to do was to give him his dinner. It seemed so inadequate, but Ethan had seemed to appreciate the thought - even though he'd hardly eaten anything. His hands were shaking as he ate. Cal wanted to believe it was emotion, which was upsetting enough, but it could be a sign of something so much worse.

He'd hoped Ethan might relax just a little bit once they were home, but he hadn't. He'd sat in the living room with Cal and tried to read a textbook, but he'd spent most of the time staring at the wall. Cal had tried talking to him, both inviting him to talk about what was wrong and trying to distract him with funny stories, but Ethan mostly ignored him, if he heard at all.

He'd just stared ahead of him, his face set, clearly in the grip of some deep emotion he wasn't quite able to hide.

Cal thought he heard a creak and sat up in bed, listening hard for the sound of Ethan's footsteps or the door opening. But there was nothing. Just silence. It must have been the furniture settling down .

Silence from Ethan wasn't necessarily a bad sign. It was 4am so he should be asleep and on the many occasions when Cal had checked on him throughout the night, he had been sleeping. He didn't know how many times he'd made that journey. Tiptoeing out of his room and along to Ethan's. Listening at the door, before opening it just a crack, peering into the blackness and seeing nothing, but reassured by Ethan's deep, regular breathing.

But he was never reassured for long. Just because Ethan was okay half an hour ago or twenty minutes ago or whenever it was that Cal had checked, it didn't mean he was still okay _now_.

Cal heaved a big sigh and rolled over onto his side, wondering if he would ever get to sleep. The pillow felt uncomfortable under his head so he tried punching it into shape before giving up and lying down, resigned to waking up with a stiff neck in the morning.

If he got to sleep.

He almost wished he wouldn't. He wanted the night to go on forever and ever – or at least until he'd finally worked out what to do. He was so afraid of what might happen tomorrow. Ethan would wake up, still upset about his day from hell. He would go to work with the emotions swirling around his brain, unable to concentrate or even think, which would probably lead to another disaster.

Then Charlie would come along: Charlie who had threatened to give Ethan the news that would destroy his whole life. Cal had meant to tell Ethan tonight: he really had – but how could he when Ethan was so distraught? Ethan had actually _admitted_ to Cal that he'd had a terrible day. It would have been unusual enough for him to admit it in the privacy of their home, but he'd done it in the staff room, where anyone might have walked in and heard. He'd asked Cal not to give him bad news, his eyes pleading and his voice unsteady.

How could Cal have told him then? How could anyone have done it?

Cal was certain that even Charlie would have thought twice about telling him in those circumstances, but Charlie probably wasn't aware of Ethan's emotional state. If Ethan looked upset tomorrow, as he probably would, Charlie probably assume it was because Cal had told him. Then he might offer words of comfort and reassurance, but Ethan wouldn't understand and he'd demand the whole story and then…

Cal felt his own eyes stinging; his breath quickening. He couldn't let Charlie do that to Ethan. He just _couldn't_. It would be upsetting enough for Ethan to hear it from Cal, but to let Charlie do it… to let Ethan see what a weak coward he had for a big brother… to let Ethan know that Cal would hide something that important from him…

But the alternative was telling Ethan now, when he was probably still upset, and Cal _couldn't_.

He could ask Charlie not to say anything, of course. He could explain how upset Ethan was. But he was horribly afraid Charlie wouldn't listen properly; that he'd see it as yet another delaying tactic; an excuse for Cal's own cowardice.

Cal's legs were getting caught up in the duvet. He untangled it and flung it on the floor in a burst of anger that quickly became tears because everything did seem to lead to tears for Cal now. His chest ached as he sobbed into the sheet, but then he became aware that some time had passed since he'd last checked on Ethan. Anxiety for Ethan dried his tears as few other things could and he got out of bed, tripping over the duvet on the way and staggering out into the hall.

He made quite a noise, but there was still no sound from Ethan's room, though what did Cal expect? Loud screams of despair?

Cal listened at the door. Nothing. He opened the door a crack.

He'd been half-expecting it, but he wasn't prepared. He knew that hearing Ethan cry would upset him, but not that it would feel like a punch; that his fingers would curl around the door so hard, it would hurt him; that he would very nearly collapse to the floor and cry even more loudly than Ethan.

But the moment didn't last. Sanity returned to Cal's mind and with it decision. He switched on the light, walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Ethan was completely submerged under the bedclothes. Cal put his hand at the point where he guessed Ethan's shoulders might be and spoke softly. "Nibbles?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Jynx999** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the story so far. I hope you'll find this chapter cute!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review - I'M glad you can understand Cal's feelings. They are quite difficult to imagine.

 **CBloom2** , we all love a bit of caring Cal! It must be so difficult - whatever he does, he'll hurt Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **TVObsessedGirl** , thank you for your review. It's lovely when someone is eager for me to update! I hope you like the new chapter.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , something is wrong with Ethan - but I don't know if Cal can make it better! Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. Poor Cal - he finally makes up his mind to tell Ethan and then this happens!

 **Cameron Bailey** , thank you for your review - I'm proud to be one of the few to get one from you! I'm so happy you like the story.

 **ETWentHome** , one thing I love about Cal is that even though he's in a mess, he still cares about Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you liked it. It is enjoyable writing about conflicted Cal.

Thank you to **TVObsessedGirl** , **Cameron Bailey** and **mmelon3** for the follows.

 _I'm not sure if this should be the last chapter or not - the ending suggests there should be at least one more, but I think the next chapter would change the atmosphere. Though maybe that doesn't matter._

* * *

"Please go away," said Ethan brokenly. There was movement under the bedclothes and Cal guessed Ethan had turned his back to him.

"I'm not going anywhere," said Cal firmly. "Not when you're this upset."

"I'm fine," said Ethan, before sobbing some more.

Cal remembered that when Ethan was small (not that he was very big, even now), he liked to burrow under the bedclothes because he felt safer there. Cal guessed that Ethan was feeling like a child now. Vulnerable, afraid, helpless. Something had gone wrong and Ethan wanted to hide from it.

It was a feeling Cal knew very well.

Cal sat on the floor, his chin resting on the bed. Very carefully, he lifted one corner of the bedclothes, looking worriedly at the back of a blond head. "Ethan, you told me I wasn't alone. That you were there. Well, the same goes for you too. I'm here and there's no way I'm leaving you."

Ethan didn't answer. He just cried.

Cal felt a lump in his throat but swallowed it down. "I don't know what happened today, but it's obviously something pretty serious. I know I can't make this go away and if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. But I'm not leaving you to deal with this on your own. I've done that too many times already."

There was a silence, broken only by Ethan's sniffles – which was a definite improvement on the sobs. "Can you switch the light off, Caleb?" he said in a quivering voice.

"Um… sure," said Cal. "Whatever you want."

"It's…" Ethan's voice caught and he paused for a moment. "It's easier in the dark."

The memories came flooding back.

Ethan had usually been afraid of the dark when he was on his own, but not when Cal was there. And it was in the dark when they'd both found the courage to say the things they didn't dare to say when they could see each other. Cal had confessed his fears, his insecurities: the many admissions he would never dream of making when it was light. In turn, Ethan had told Cal all the secrets that Cal would have laughed at during the daytime, but which seemed natural and reasonable when they were in the dark.

Cal got up and switched off the light, plunging the room into darkness. He walked back to Ethan's bed and lay down on it. He knew he'd done the right thing when Ethan turned over and tugged at the duvet, covering both of them in its comforting warmth.

It was a bit like being in a new world where their usual rules of interaction didn't apply – or perhaps going back to an old world in the past which they hadn't seen for a while but which was instantly familiar. Cal put his arm around Ethan and his little brother cuddled close to him, his head on Cal's bare chest, still shuddering with the occasional sob but otherwise calm.

Cal stroked Ethan's hair and murmured to him as though the last twenty years hadn't happened. "I'm here, Nibbles," he said softly. "And I'll be listening whenever you're ready to talk."

Ethan sniffed a few times. "I treated a patient today who was suspected of domestic violence."

Cal tensed, his arms instinctively tightening around Ethan. "Is that the one where the woman suffered third-degree burns? Why did no-one tell me you were involved in that?"

"It was my fault," whispered Ethan, full of shame.

"Of course it wasn't your fault," said Cal indignant;y. "Why would it be your fault?"

"I was asked to keep an eye on her; make sure she didn't leave the ED." Ethan's voice was shaking. "But I didn't. I went to do something else and she left. She went back to her house and threatened her partner and her partner's little girl. They weren't hurt, but they were so scared. Because of me. Because of what I did. "Then…" He stopped.

Cal felt Ethan's tears on his chest. "It's not you who made them scared, Ethan."

"She got angry and a fire started," wept Ethan. "The others were okay, but she was badly burned. Scarred for life. And she said if I'd done my job properly, that wouldn't have happened to her. And she's right. Why didn't I do my job properly, Cal? Why did I let her go?"

Cal held him more tightly as he sobbed. "Because it _wasn't_ your job, Ethan. You're a doctor. You're trained to save lives, diagnose and treat injuries, make referrals to other departments. It's not your job to guard criminals. You haven't been trained for that."

"But someone had to," sniffed Ethan.

"No," said Cal. Anger burned inside him. "No, Ethan! Nobody should ever have to do that alone. You should have had help. That woman was dangerous. It wasn't your responsibility. It would have made far more sense to protect the people she was hurting. Keep _them_ safe. It was the hospital that failed. The people who made these decisions. Not you. You just did an impossible task to the best of your ability."

Ethan gave another sob. "And someone got badly hurt. I knew she's not a good person, Cal. She hurt someone she claimed to love. She hurt a child. She frightened and terrorised them. But nobody deserves what she's going to suffer for the rest of her life because I didn't do my job."

"Right now," said Cal, "I'm far more worried that _you're_ going to suffer for the rest of your life because someone asked you to do something they had no right to ask you."

"Maybe I deserve to suffer," wept Ethan.

"No, you don't!" Cal was close to crying too now. He lifted Ethan's chin so his brother was looking at him. "Listen to me. You don't deserve that at all. That woman had no right to say what she did. You are not responsible for her actions. You didn't force her to go and threaten and terrorise someone."

"I put her into a position where she could," sniffled Ethan.

"No. Whoever made the decision put you into an impossible position. They asked too much of you – and it wasn't necessary. They could have taken her victims away somewhere safe. We have security in this hospital – where were they? How could anyone leave you, my _baby brother_ , alone with a violent criminal and expect you to keep her under control when she's capable of hurting people?" Cal clutched Ethan closer and let his tears soak into Ethan's hair. "You did everything you could, Ethan. More than you should have been asked to do." Cal broke off and fought back sobs. "There are so many people who need help, but there's only so much we can do, Ethan. We only have so much power. There are only so many people we can save."

Ethan's arms tightened around Cal's waist. "I suppose so. But I still feel…"

"I know," said Cal sadly. "I know you've got this horrible, guilty feeling inside you and it's not going to go away just because I've told you there's no reason for you to feel like that. It's going to take time. I wish it wouldn't because I hate the thought of you suffering. But you're not alone here, Ethan. Whenever you feel like this, I'll be here. For as long as it takes."

Ethan said nothing for a while, but he seemed to relax slightly in Cal's arms. Then at last, he said: "It is easier when you're in the dark, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Cal, but he wasn't thinking about the lack of light. He was thinking of another meaning of being in the dark. Ethan's words held true there too. Ethan was in the dark and for now, that meant his life was easier. He wasn't feeling the terror that was with Cal any moment. He wasn't constant; fearfully watching out for symptoms. He was still able to believe in who he was and what he believed his life had been.

But he couldn't stay in the dark forever. Sooner or later, one of them would show symptoms. Eventually, the light would be switched on. If Cal did it himself, he would have some measure of control and he could give control to Ethan by letting him know the facts.

He had to tell him. He had to.

But now? Could he really do it now? In the comfort of the dark, Cal almost believed he could do anything, but Ethan had suffered far too much already today.

But if he left it till tomorrow…

"Cal?" said Ethan anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," whispered Cal, as tears filled his eyes. "I don't know if either of us is okay."


End file.
